Confession 14
For the very first time, I feel I am wrong. About life and everything concievable.
Heading nowhere, wandering aimlessly.
Knowing what I want from life is not enough, it's knowing how to do it that makes all the difference. Lacking the means to go about getting what I wanted was never a serious handicap. Until now, that is.
Is it my fault?
Maybe.
I was told to dream big. I was promised happiness if I did this and this and that and that. I pulled strings, pushed people around, twisted contexts, made my way around, begun the climb to the top. What more could I do? Skulls and possibly lives crushed 'neath my feet. I admit, I made my mistakes. But I learnt my lessons too.
As the saying goes, the higher you are, the harder you fall.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
Till today evening, I never knew I could feel this lonely. It's an interesting feeling though. Maybe the mist had to cover all 'round. It's never unbearable. But it wasn't unexpected either.
There was no reassuring hand back then. Now, it's different. All that was between the two time-periods were fragile words. Words of influence that contort the mind. You never know when these words will shatter a life into sharp shards, like a thousand fragments of glass.
"The good that men do is oft interred with their bones, but the evil that men do lives on."
How true. Where has the warrior gone? Has he made way for the moral-less assassin who butchers innocence?
I love experimenting with all sorts of things. Today, it was ice-cream. And when I did speak out to place my order (Rum and Raisin, with orange sauce), the guy at the counter actually fell down laughing. A part of me would've initiated verbal warfare. But it's good that I didn't.
I'd hurt myself enough. I was in no mood to hurt anyone else today.
As I smoked my last installment for the day and sipped my half-tea, I saw a group of 6 deaf-and-dumb college students. They were sipping tea, smoking and wearing college-bags and living life as normally as they possibly could.
Handicaps can be overcome.
Yet I feel my identity fast dissolving, like Rum and Raisin ice-cream in orange sauce.
I will all my bitterness away.
Heading nowhere, wandering aimlessly.
Knowing what I want from life is not enough, it's knowing how to do it that makes all the difference. Lacking the means to go about getting what I wanted was never a serious handicap. Until now, that is.
Is it my fault?
Maybe.
I was told to dream big. I was promised happiness if I did this and this and that and that. I pulled strings, pushed people around, twisted contexts, made my way around, begun the climb to the top. What more could I do? Skulls and possibly lives crushed 'neath my feet. I admit, I made my mistakes. But I learnt my lessons too.
As the saying goes, the higher you are, the harder you fall.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
Till today evening, I never knew I could feel this lonely. It's an interesting feeling though. Maybe the mist had to cover all 'round. It's never unbearable. But it wasn't unexpected either.
There was no reassuring hand back then. Now, it's different. All that was between the two time-periods were fragile words. Words of influence that contort the mind. You never know when these words will shatter a life into sharp shards, like a thousand fragments of glass.
"The good that men do is oft interred with their bones, but the evil that men do lives on."
How true. Where has the warrior gone? Has he made way for the moral-less assassin who butchers innocence?
I love experimenting with all sorts of things. Today, it was ice-cream. And when I did speak out to place my order (Rum and Raisin, with orange sauce), the guy at the counter actually fell down laughing. A part of me would've initiated verbal warfare. But it's good that I didn't.
I'd hurt myself enough. I was in no mood to hurt anyone else today.
As I smoked my last installment for the day and sipped my half-tea, I saw a group of 6 deaf-and-dumb college students. They were sipping tea, smoking and wearing college-bags and living life as normally as they possibly could.
Handicaps can be overcome.
Yet I feel my identity fast dissolving, like Rum and Raisin ice-cream in orange sauce.
I will all my bitterness away.
14 comments:
sexiest post ever written, this is so true...I can relate with it..
crapper you rock..
Dint expect such a post from you..
But I understand..
im beginning to see just why u want iron maiden passes.
If you'd go to the Iron Maiden concert with such emotions, you'd cry.
I did, when I listened to 'tallica's nothing else matters (not for the first time) a long time ago when I was down and out.
Hang in there, fellow. hang in there.
is the orange sauce heated? is it tastier than chocolate?
ah, so many questions, so little time.
and i'm sorry if i annoyed you.
→ Methi: :)
→ Reema: You do? Pray, tell me why?
→ Nikhil: Lei nimajji, chance-ay illa! It's MAIDEN. :D
→ Tangled: The orange sauce is warm, not heated. It is much sweeter than chocolate sauce. 'Tastier' depends on your taste buds. And yes, it does actually taste like oranges.
ok. that's it.
you have permission to post what i'd forbidden you from. maja madi.
eh?
wait. it'll happen. because i say so.
:|
Kinda was in this phase a little while ago.. Hope things are ok..Beer and a smoke and a chat on shiva & shakthi?
lonliness maakes things clear dont they?
normal is an illusion...
orange sauce and rum and rasin intresting and tried and also laughed at ... i too ate it alone detached watching the guy behind the counter sniggering...
----
tonight...
desolation... suffering... illustrative and ever loyal
I thought I had said something here. further proof that I'm losing my brain, rapidly.
the guy at the counter is a blinkered buffoon. that's why he's behind the counter and not heading a confectionary company.
And, he obviously [like obviously] hasn't heard of Willy Wonka.
And Willy Wonka was very lonely too, till he met Charlie.
on a completely unrelated note, I think Willy Wonka was asexual, with a chocolate fetish. Roald Dahl never clarifies if he was into bondage though which of course has nothing to do with being asexual.
Which is a very twisted way perhaps of saying [technically asking], why so sad little boy?
→ Nikhil: Lei nimajji, chance-ay illa! It's MAIDEN. :D
Aha! that reply there indicates procurement of tickets/passes?
I will ____ all my bitterness away. ---> Are you missing something there,(where blank is included) or am I?
i wont say anything profouund about this... cuz these realisations are between u and ureself. gain the strength and move on...
oh but i did say something! :-)
→ Numb.Lock: I don't quite remember what it was that you'd forbidden me from posting. Refresh my memory, will you?
→ Iyer: Hehehe... That's a sure shot solution for almost anything, isn't it? :D
→ Pricky: Et tu Pricke? :D
→H: Fairyland is fucked. That's why. :P Sometime later, perhaps?
→Nikhil: It's been explained no? :D
→ Tsu: Not sadness re. Just bitterness. :D Full profound things you talked off. Hehe.
Must I?
listen to the sunscreen song again. :)
but you know, i think this is something we all go through periodically.
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