The TDP

Now, if you're a person who has studied in a college where Malayalis comprise of upto 85% of the student population and 99.9999% of the faculty (the remaining 0.0001% can be traced 4 generations back to the Malayali men who married from outside 'the state'. Remember that Kannadiga, Andhrite or perhaps Punjabi velliammachi who, for their children and grandchildren, altered their rassam, naatkoli or lassi/paneer butter masala recipes respectively to reflect the Malabari taste?), and War movies highly inspire you; then read on, my friend.

-Review by Razorblade Dreams

The TDP (The Ten Day Plan)

- A short story by Arcane Crapper.

Prologue: Not to be confused with the Telugu-Desam Party of Andhra Pradesh. Andhra Pradesh politics is neither relevant nor does it influence the story in any way.

Day 1 - Because of unemployment problems, ten Malayalis-from-Kerala (For obvious reasons, it will not be possible to henceforth refer to them as MfKer's) are forced to go to different parts of Pakistan, each possessing ten rupees in his pocket.

Day 2 - With lightning speed, efficiency and the highly ingenious Malayali business buddhi, tea shops are setup with highly limited resources (ten rupees!) multiplied into a considerable sum on Day 1 using sundry means; effectively shaming Hitler's blitzkrieg attacks and giving Harvard MBA's a run for their money.

Tea shops attract heavy crowds. Demand for cigarettes and tea far greater than supply.

Day 3 - Phone calls are exchanged between Malayalis in Pakistan, the Gulf and Kerala to address the demand-supply issue.

Day 4 - Malayalis from Kerala pour in and setup tea estates using raw material sourced from Munnar to maintain consistency in the end-product (Tea).

Marlboro, seeing opportunity and sensing huge financial gains, seeks entry into Pakistan's tobacco market. Large investments are made. Land is acquired, farms are setup. The finest quality Tobacco plants are sourced from various parts of the world (from Malayalis, of course) and transplanted on a massive scale to the farms in Pakistan.

The Malayali GM invites old booze-buddies in the Gulf to come down to Pakistan, help him manage Marlboro's financial interests and set up an investment portfolio for adequate asset management. Each of the Booze-buddies, in turn, gets each of his eight brothers-in-law' to Pakistan to help manage the 'company'.

Day 5 - Union of Malayali Tea Stall Owners (UMTSO) is formed. Malayali GM leaks sensitive information to UMTSO. UMTSO, with the help of a generous bribe in favour of Gen. Pervez Musharraf, use 'borrowed' military forces to take over the tobacco industry in a bloodless coup d'etat effectively usurping Marlboro's investments and kicking it out of Pakistan.

Day 6 - Union of Malayali Tea Stall Owners (UMTSO) is officially recognised as a Political union. Visa-less entry of Malayalis into Pakistan is approved.

Day 7 - Heavy business all over Pakistan continues on Day 7. Malayali tea-stall owners rake in tremendous amounts of money. Even more Malayalis from Kerala enter Pakistan to form a support system for the 'fledgling' Tea Stall industry. Duty-free Mundu import begins. (For the uninitiated, Mundu is the piece of clothing similar to a lungi, but white or off-white in colour. The part of the Mundu covering the left leg is usually held in the left hand so that a hairy left leg is revealed while the hairy right leg is off bounds and hence covered. Asymmetry in nature, perhaps?)

Union of Malayali Tea Stall Owners (UMTSO) formalizes and incepts the Organized Tea Stall Industry (OTSI), a corporation where each Tea-Stall owner is a shareholder. An IPO is launched.

Day 8 - Stock exchanges in Karachi, Islamabad and Lahore see heavy buying because of OTSI's IPO. Ketan Parekh, specially flown in by R&AW to capitalize on the situation, engineers a stock-market scam causing heavy losses to all Pakistani corporations. OTSI now controls 98% of Pakistan's trade.

Day 9 - Union of Malayali Tea Stall Owners (UMTSO) becomes Central Malayali Workers Support Union CPI(M) - CMWSU CPI(M). Gen. Pervez Musharraf is deposed in another bloodless coup d'etat by CMWSU CPI(M) (which won over the militia with Twelve-Year FREE-Chai-Sutta incentives). A puppet government is installed.

Day 10 - CMWSU CPI(M) government cuts funding to terrorist organizations in entirety and offers Twelve-Year FREE-Chai-Sutta relief packages to surrendering terrorists. Terrorists, now deprived of money, 'see the truth'. Terror mechanism is completely dismantled, thus ending 18 years of insurgency. Pakistan officially becomes the 29th state of the Indian Union.

Epilogue: Kashmir valley has demilitarised and the conflict has finally ended. Hindus and Muslims no longer fight for territory. Thanks to the enterprising Malayali, Peace reigns, occasionally interrupted by lots of stamped-upon-cigarette-packs-or-cigarette-butts lying on the road and tea-glasses flying pell-mell during times of internal power struggles of the CMWSU CPI(M).

Economic warfare rocks.
JaiHind!