Confession 22
It's been six years since I first saw you.
I remembered you today. In fact, I remember you every once in a while. You're the ghost... haunting me, making me restless, sometimes even long. You meant [maybe still do mean] a lot to me and you would so unwittingly swirl around in my dreams, enchaining this captive with your hypnotizing words. The captive that I was, the captive I longed to be. Back then, we were young. Yet, you stopped me from killing myself. My zest and my wonder for life is something that I've learnt from you.
You've taught me much.
My heart would skip beats every time we spoke, and irrationality would creep in, and so would possessiveness. Your seductive smile--the smile I loved so much--would always invite me to dive into your eyes and see oceans of something I could never comprehend. Maybe it was wisdom in there--connected to your experiences of life, and to the deepest throes of your mind. Sipping on the perfect coffee your mom always made for us, I enjoyed our endless conversations on chaos, politics, music and life. Ah, and there was always my frowning upon your incessant nibbling of the gold chain that hung around your slender, seemingly-fragile neck.
But now, you've disappeared into obscurity. And if I look up to the star-studded sky and ask why, I will not get any answer. I think things like "Maybe it wasn't meant to be" or "I wasn't good enough"... They're just shields behind which I can hide and run away from it all. Maybe I did wrong you in a way that I shouldn't have. But there have been too many maybe's in this story. And now, it's too late for forgiveness or reconciliation.
"When you lie down on the ground and look at the stars, don't you feel you're falling into the infinity of it all?"
Oh, what I would give to hear those words again, only I know.
And why you aren't with me now, only you know.
Sometimes, I miss having you around. Badly.
And every time I look into the night, and gaze at constellations of small specks of light, I remember you.
It's been six years. It's time I finally moved on.
No. Not just yet.
I remembered you today. In fact, I remember you every once in a while. You're the ghost... haunting me, making me restless, sometimes even long. You meant [maybe still do mean] a lot to me and you would so unwittingly swirl around in my dreams, enchaining this captive with your hypnotizing words. The captive that I was, the captive I longed to be. Back then, we were young. Yet, you stopped me from killing myself. My zest and my wonder for life is something that I've learnt from you.
You've taught me much.
My heart would skip beats every time we spoke, and irrationality would creep in, and so would possessiveness. Your seductive smile--the smile I loved so much--would always invite me to dive into your eyes and see oceans of something I could never comprehend. Maybe it was wisdom in there--connected to your experiences of life, and to the deepest throes of your mind. Sipping on the perfect coffee your mom always made for us, I enjoyed our endless conversations on chaos, politics, music and life. Ah, and there was always my frowning upon your incessant nibbling of the gold chain that hung around your slender, seemingly-fragile neck.
But now, you've disappeared into obscurity. And if I look up to the star-studded sky and ask why, I will not get any answer. I think things like "Maybe it wasn't meant to be" or "I wasn't good enough"... They're just shields behind which I can hide and run away from it all. Maybe I did wrong you in a way that I shouldn't have. But there have been too many maybe's in this story. And now, it's too late for forgiveness or reconciliation.
"When you lie down on the ground and look at the stars, don't you feel you're falling into the infinity of it all?"
Oh, what I would give to hear those words again, only I know.
And why you aren't with me now, only you know.
Sometimes, I miss having you around. Badly.
And every time I look into the night, and gaze at constellations of small specks of light, I remember you.
It's been six years. It's time I finally moved on.
No. Not just yet.
5 comments:
No. Not just yet.
(When you figure out how to stop saying that line...let me in on the secret)
i know wt u mean...
"No, not just yet..."
When letting go isn't an option I will allow myself to consider... Beiing deprived of a certain presence is one thing... but memories, they are my prerogative. Past is where i live, and the memories... they are mine!
I can so relate with it...
But its never too late, which is why, No not just yet makes sense..
This was very beautiful... Very heart-felt...
Could relate to it in a large way... But I guess I have moved on in life...
All the best mate :)
→ Prude: I've stopped saying it. :)
→ Anon: Just the same as everything else, memories too must die. I suppose it's about letting them die in peace.
→ Methi: Really?
→ Shreyans: :)
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